EA Land RIP

It is with mixed emotions that today I am announcing EA's announcement (also with mixed emotions) that the EA-Land experiment will soon draw to a close. You can click here for more details.

Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against Electronic Arts, especially after finding out that one of their employees visited and read my entry about EA-Land and its servers licking a substantial amount of sweaty balls. Apparently, The EA person was searching google using the keywords "sims online sucks".

On that note, I would like to congratulate Electronic Arts for knowing if a venture is costing them a lot of money just to suck arse. I am not a fan of EA (1), but I have no ill will towards them either. I happen to love playing a few of their games (2), and it's just a simple case of me rejoicing when something that drains cash and doesn't actually do anything worthwhile or fun goes away, hopefully forever.

I'm not about to post a long-ass explanation of why EA land failed, because I have no idea why it did from a technical standpoint. If I knew how to make successful games I would be working for a game company right now, or making games of my own. But I knew from a consumer standpoint that EA Land wasn't going to take off with the game they had at the time. Nevermind that it was free for a while. It doesn't cost anything to eat shit (3) but that doesn't mean that I will. The experience just wasn't fun and it's really boring for a new user who just jumped in. And the fact that servers were not the most stable of things meant that new users won't even be able to jump in all the time, so condolence for having one of your business ventures go down the drain, but congratulations for not being so stuck up your own arse that you fail to realize when a game of yours is broken.

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MF'N FOOTNOTES

1. I still remember the EA spouse debacle years ago
2. especially Need For Speed Carbon, which is so damn good I actually considered it worth all the time and effort it took me to download all the ISOs off usenet.
3. in fact, if you live in Russia there are people who will actually pay you money to eat crap while being videotaped

How to get rich and Influence people

I just found out that a friend of ours is currently earning his bread and butter from google ads on his weblog. We're talking about rent, food, and utility bills on a third world country being paid by a crappy tech weblog on a blogspot domain. Holy shit, right? He was always lazing around the house not doing shit at all. We assumed he was selling drugs or something, but nothing this legit or good! Seriously, I want in on this. I have made it my life's purpose to get me in on some of that free internet weblog money.

I already have a blog anyway, so I've already got A done, and my next move would be to find out how I can get to B, which is "earn internet money", and from there it would be very easy to get to C - Hire Expensive Hookars from Los Angales.

The weblog tycoon friend I mentioned told me that in order for me to build my cyber cash empire (re:built upon the sweaty backs of the index fingers of internet surfers), I need to get people to visit my site first. And the way to do it is by using "search keywords".

search keywords?

Search Keywords, he said, are the words or phrases that internet surfers type on a search engine to find sites that they are looking for. As an example, a person looking for pictures of spiderman would type "Spidey" or "That superhero dude played by a faggy tobey mcguire". If your site contains these keywords like any good website should, it will be included in the list of sites that the search engine will display as a result and the positioning of whether it's going to show up first or at all will be decided by a complicated algorithm that consists of: your page ranking, the amount of daily visitors your site gets, how many external websites link to your place, and the dollar exhange rate (currently: 41 pesos. Seriously, The moment I decide to earn US dollars they suddenly drop in value. FUCK YOU, AMERICA. Who don't you go suck on my euro?!)

Getting back on topic, once you have a nice amount of visitors trawling your weblog for pictures of a fag dressed in a spiderman costume, you start tricking them into clicking the ads and making purchases, which is probably the hardest part. How do you get people to click on an ad? In fact, how do you get people to do anything in the first place? (besides offer them money, sexual favors or a free backrub?)

With a steady stream of people clicking on my ads, the cents I earn from those clicks will eventually add up and turn me into a millionaire who can afford impregnating lots of hot women as well as pay for their abortion expenses. The most important thing to consider, my friend said, is to start at the bottom of the equation: How your sites do in search engines (note that I signed up for some blogger directories, but they are done out of charity. Look at the graphic links, dude. Every click you give that ad results in a real orphan getting clicked in real life.)

My friend told me that the hottest weblog topics these days, besides how to get more money, are IT(Information Technology, fools!) stuff and humor. That means I can combine both to maximize my profits and get me closer to my dreams of sweet los angales hooker poontang faster than if I were to blog about technology or humor only. That being said, from here on out: All posts will contain jokes about IT stuff. Here's the first IT joke to get you in the mood for all the funny and technological advancement that's going to arrive in the next few weeks:


BILL GATES, WIFE and POLICE

Bill Gates was out driving with his wife when he is suddenly stopped by a police officer.

The Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Bill Gates: "No sir, I was going 60."
Wife: "Oh, Bill. You were going 80."

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Bill Gates: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
Wife: "Oh, you've known about that tail light for weeks."

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
Bill Gates: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh, Bill, you never wear your seat belt."

Bill Gates then turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your damn mouth!"
Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife: "No, only when he's drunk."

(important explanation: it's funny because BILL GATES = LOL. Linux FTW)

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Sources:

1. Blood, Rebecca. The Weblog Handbook: Practical Advice on Creating and Maintaining Your Blog - Basic Books; 1st edition, July 2, 2002
2. Wallace, James. Hard Drive: Bill Gates and the Making of the Microsoft Empire - Collins, May 12, 1993.
3. Marlock, Dennis. How to Become a Professional Con Artist - Paladin Press, September 2001
4. Toriyama, Akira. Dragonball (Volume 1) - VIZ Media LLC; 1 edition, October 6, 2000

Money-Making Schemes, I WILL SHOW YOU MINE

I was about to post some links for Mxy, ways to earn money doing what he does best, TROLL FORUMS. But I'm going to test first if these things really pay you money or just take your name and email so they can sell it to Nigerian scammers and Chilean spammers (if they sell Mxy his own info, will it tear a hole in the timespace continuum? your head as'plode!)

I'm also going to post the joke about the kid who wanted a bike for his birthday but ended up masturbating, but that can wait. I am hungry and it's 7PM in here. IT IS TIME FOR DIN DIN!

VISIT Rob Kamphausen's messageboard

Click here, fools!

and don't forget to register and troll! spamming is allowed, too.

Optional: you can click the picture below. It's my favorite game right now, kthnx!

Mortal Kombat versus DC: I touch myself while reading Superman comics

If you press DOWN-FORWARD-PUNCH, Batman will have enough prep time

There's some sort of teaser going around that shows Batman going against Sub-Zero. I checked the calendar if it's still April 1, but since it's already the 19th, it leaves April Fools Joke pretty much out of the equation. A DC vs Mortal Kombat game for the Xbox360 and PS3 is really on the way.

I want to know what the guys at DC were smoking. They must have had access to the best shit. I can understand the Midway fools jumping at the chance to tie up with a really influential brand with lots of market equity, but Superman and Mortal Kombat characters really don't mix well and DC will only make their characters look silly. There's also a chance that the title will suck arse and make them lose money.

Also, even though I admit that I'm probably the biggest superman mark in the country, I'm still not being subjective when I say that Kal El can beat the crap out of MK's entire roster any day of the week and twice on sunday. We're talking about a bunch of martial arts guys who can shoot fire out of various extremeties, against a guy who can take weeks-long vacation in sun's core. In terms of powers and abilities, most guys in MK have 5 or 6 special powers average, while superman only has one: but it's The POWER TO HAVE ANY KIND OF POWER HE WANTS (also called the Eric Cartman power). Remember in superman II when Lois died and superman didn't want to have any of that? He fucking turned back time. Kung fu and Taekwondo is useless no matter how many times you add electricity, fire and acid to the stances, because they're going to go against someone who can turn back time. That's a feat beyond the capabilities of even the most powerful Danish-Norwegian Pop dance group in the world.

Aqua can't turn back time

Wikipedia to Fyrebug: Talk to the hand

Textbook example of the man keeping the other man down.

I have been trying to help the gay fools at Fyrebug set up a wiki page for their silly Make Your Own Game thingamajiggie, because, I don't know. Everybody's doing it. Your website is not cool if you don't have a wiki. I mean, even the guy who cleans our pool has his own wiki entry.

Unfortunately, we've tried many times and have written several entries for Fyrebug, but wikipedia kept deleting them because it was against the TOS, and according to them, kind of looks like it was a blatant attempt to advertise their site using wikipedia. I had no idea that was possible. I was told it was an ancient SEO trick passed down from our ancestors - you basically get a wiki entry for your site and all you have to do is sit back as wikipedia's uber page rank does its hocus pocus on your search engine ranking.

WoW's next expansion enters closed alpha, Blizzard employees dislike Jessica Alba

WOWINSIDER.COM - As of April 10th, 2008 World of Warcraft's next espansion, Wrath of the Lich King, has entered closed alpha status. Several attempts to gain access have proven unsuccessful, even after emailing and offering them a free mount (wink, wink, nudge, nudge?) using my fake Jessica Alba gmail account.

Yahoo and AOL to Microsoft: SUCK IT.

Yahoo has apparently "leaked" information which states that they are very close to striking a deal that would combine the nutcrashing powers of Yahoo and AOL to serve as an alternative to what Microsoft was forcing offering. Not content with metaphoricaly poking Microsoft in the eyes and stealing their world championship belt, Yahoo has also "leaked" info which states that they may run a two week test of Google Adsense on 3% of their Yahoo search results page instead of their own ads.

Microsoft, on the other hand, stated that Yahoo's plans to strike a deal with Google is just the beginning of a de facto monopoly on the power of the search advertising space. In other news: A certain pot has called the kettle black. Hilarity ensues.

FRANCE TAKES A STAND AGAINST PIRACY

Yahoo News reports that France has sent Elite French Troops to East Africa to fight a bunch of pirates who seized the yacht called Le Ponant last Friday. The yacht was reported to be carrying 30 crew members (22 of which are French citizens), but no passengers.

French officials have already contacted the pirates and confirmed that the crew was safe, sound and well-treated. 

I can't resist taking potshots at the French, but the good doctor already beat me to it:

"Elite French Troops" means that one man is trained to do the surrendering of an entire platoon.

Computer Game accused of making players less violent

Another damn study of computer gamers has found that a session in front of World of Warcraft can calm and help people cope with stress, according to this ITNEWS article.

I'm not going to bother expounding on what the article said, you can just click the link above if you want to read it in its entirety, or if you're too lazy to click above, you can click here instead.

Just going to point out a couple of things, for those who are planning to use this new study to counter accussations about videogame-inspired violence.

First, the study used World of Warcraft. An MMORPG. The videogames normally blamed for inspiring violence in stupid kids are usually First Person and Third Person games such as Counterstrike, Grand Theft Auto, Quake, etc. Different games. while not mutually exclusive, and sometimes meet halfway, their target demographic can be very different.

Second and most important thing I'm going to point out, study team leader Jane Barnett from Middlesex University said, and I quote, "There were actually higher levels of relaxation before and after playing the game as opposed to experiencing anger, but this very much depended on personality type."

Way to totally negate the whole thing, jackholes. If a person started murdering nearby living beings after playing World of Warcraft, it's because of his personality type - he or she already had violent tendencies in the first place.

That is actually the argument they should use against people who accuse videogames of inciting violence: It depends on the personality type of the person concerned. I know I play a lot of violent videogames but I have never thought about murdering anyone other than that stupid noisy dude who sat in front of the bus this morning. God I wanted to spit on him and punch his face until it flew out the window!

Facebook launches new chat app, hates Jessica Alba

Facebook has already released a pre-launch beta of its new chat/instant messenging application, but forgot to include me in the beta tester list and I have no idea why. They refused to let me in even after I emailed Mark Zuckerberg a bunch of times using my fake Jessica Alba email account.  I guess Mark isn't into hot chicks. Way to be gay, Mark! (Or maybe he just doesn't want pregnant hot chicks).

Yahoo Answers

If you have a lot of free time and there's nothing to do, I suggest answering random people's questions through Yahoo Answers. It can be really addicting and the points system kind of makes it seem like you're playing an MMORPG, only instead of clicking monsters to gain levels, you answer various questions that range from Difficult to Really Stupid. You can find some really interesting stuff in there even if you can't be arsed to answer.

Sample Questions:

What real serious answer about this, i really want to know how to make a deal with the devil?

This kid seems to want the dark powers of the netherworld for his personal use. I can only guess at what he needs it for. As for the answer, it's quite easy: In a few months' time all those TOS agreements you've signed when you registered for a Yahoo ID will turn into binding deals with the devil.

How do you make your man happy, what do you need to do to make make your relationship more interesting& workg?

Blowjobs. End of story.

I want a 2nd child, my husband doesnt? Our son will be 3 yrs old soon and I'm not getting any younger. My husband's been through too much stress and thinks about money not growing on trees and says no to a 2nd child. He says hopefully we'll have a 2nd child in 5 yrs. 5 years!!! What can I do to make it sooner?

This woman can either build a time machine, ask someone else to be the father(suggestion: mailman), or make a deal with the devil.

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Misc...

Shirley's been trying to get me to do more creative writing lately, after finding out that I have started doing freelance Web Content WritingTM for a living (note: meager). The problem is - besides the fact that I can't really write anything worth jackshit - I don't really find creative writing enjoyable. Sure, I like to type a lot. But thinking of stories, plot, and characters? No, thanks, but I just had breakfast!

I've been told that it's best to remember all those stories I had in my mind when I was a kid, and write stories based around them. If I did that, all of my stories would be about a robot and a dinosaur beating each other senseless. For 200 pages. I don't think that would be a good read, and it would seem that somebody already beat me to it.